This is a match? Seriously?

I signed up on OKCupid some time ago. I have had no luck at all from it. But perhaps its that somehow I can “match” women who have NOTHING in common with me. I go through there and see someone that matches fairly highly and then I come across a profile like this:

My Self Summary
Don’t contact me if you can’t do 50 push-ups in a row (real, quality push-ups). I have had complaints about this, but I am at the point where I just cannot stand the prospect of yet another disappointing first date push-up contest. Do not contact me if you can’t spell “grammar”; if you do not know the difference between “your” and “you’re”; if you use the term “irregardless”; or if you’ve said “for all intensive purposes” or “should of.”

I enjoy starting fights for no reason; gossiping about everyone on “The Hills” like I actually know them (Heidi is totally brainwashed by Spencer!!); and drawing anthropomorphic caricatures of rabbits. I’m an avid indoorswoman. In my spare time, I write free-verse, non-rhyming limericks. In elementary school, I was named “girl of the year” 8 years in a row.

I think perfect names for babies are Mercedes and Clooney, (f/m respectively), but this tends to change weekly based on what I read in Us!, lol 🙂 However, I think that actually HAVING kids is the ultimate tool of the patriarchy, and am hoping that Science will develop some sort of artificial womb.

To me, dating is like Fraggle Rock; specifically, the Doozers. They build and build, only to have their structures knocked down. But sometimes it’s fun to knock down people’s hard work, and I guess that’s what justifies it for me. I mean, come on. Life should be fun. That was the first sentence to my third master’s thesis, in which I mathematically proved that insult added to injury equals fun. I know what you’re thinking–how does the Coase Theorum play into this? That’s something I’ll save for our first date 😉

What I’m doing with my life
I really enjoy my job–I get paid to think all day. I do Indian law and commercial defense litigation.

I’m really good at
Casting a broad net. I’ve developed skills in SQL and asp.net, languages, law, gymnastics, fitness and nutrition (certified ACE during law school), and lolcat.

I grew up in Denver, went to undergrad here in Seattle, studied abroad in Spain, worked in DC and San Fran, and went to law school in Charlottesville. I opened a champagne bottle with a saber in Slovenia.

The first things people usually notice about me
My cape.

Also, I walk fast. Maybe it’s billing to the nearest 6-minute mark, but I hate inefficiencies. Why walk slow and/or block people that are actually trying to go somewhere (me)? I might “accidentally” elbow slow people when I pass, hoping that they might wonder if they shouldn’t be going a little bit faster or being more cognizant of their surroundings.

Favorite Books Movies, Etc
Books: Chief Joseph and the Flight of the Nez Perce
Movies: Rudy, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, About a Boy, Hable con Ella
Shows: Cougar Town, Arrested Development
Music: Nena Daconte, Alex Ubago, Juanes, Hilltop Hoods
Food: I like good food and good wine. I watch what I eat, but don’t have issues with indulging occasionally.

The six things I could never do without

Heavy Muscle Radio
Calle Sesame

I spend a lot of time thinking about
What is Britney up to? Will Keynesian economics work for the Obama administration? What day is it?

On a typical Friday night I am
pretending I don’t speak English at a local bar.

You should message me if
To limit future inquiry from, to quote Old School, “the guy who probably won’t get in,” here are answers to some of the more frequently asked questions:

-yes, I can do over 50 real pushups;
-no, I don’t care or find it alluring that you feel you could beat me up;
-yes, everyone, including me, has heard of crossfit;
-Jan Tana.

-I’m looking for college grads and grad degrees. Just personal preference.

Seriously? She challenges people to push up matches on a first date? Umm, how f’ing childish is that? And she is a match for me?

Life should be fun. That was the first sentence to my third master’s thesis, in which I mathematically proved that insult added to injury equals fun. I know what you’re thinking–how does the Coase Theorum play into this? That’s something I’ll save for our first date So is that before or after the push up contest? But I guess it is good for her that she likes to workout because she also states she likes to start fights.

Its not OKCupids fault really. It can only go off of answers a person supplies to the various questions and the pool of AW is what it is. However, I’ve not exactly been thrilled by the experience so far. “Matches” like that don’t leave one with much confidence that there is anything out there.


17 Responses to “This is a match? Seriously?”

  1. 1 Hughman
    February 2, 2011 at 5:28 AM

    The Quiver system is broken. It gives me people outside of my age range and girls I’ve messaged before.

    Quickmatch doesn’t really work either.

    As for Matches, you need 100+ questions answered, preferably 200. Then you simply go exploring. Any girl who looks cute, click on her profile and quickly glance over it.

  2. 2 Professor Hale
    February 2, 2011 at 6:05 AM

    I am guessing this woman isn’t getting any matches either, so they threw you at her just to pretend she is still in the system. It is good that she has cats.

  3. February 2, 2011 at 8:03 AM

    The warning flags are all over. Attorney. Cats. Cougar Town. Us! Magazine. Mentioning patriarchy in anything other than wistful terms.

    I quoth Pink Floyd. Run. Run like hell.

  4. 4 Giraffe
    February 2, 2011 at 8:27 AM

    At least you’re getting some entertainment out of it.

  5. 5 Brendan
    February 2, 2011 at 8:52 AM

    Sounds like a good match if you were gay. Hard to distinguish that profile from a man’s in many ways other than the TV shows.

  6. February 2, 2011 at 9:33 AM


    I have over 600 questions answered. I don’t bother with more, most of them are so stupid as to have nothing at all to do with actual compatibility. I have noticed a few things about women in the process of those questions tho. Women admit that they are “attracted to dangerous situations.” Personally I find this foolish but it appears to be near universal as I don’t think that I have ever seen a woman answer no to that question.

    She’s good looking and the existence of the shit tests at the bottom would indicate that men are attempting to be with her anyways, so she must be getting responses.

  7. February 2, 2011 at 9:54 AM


    I am glad that I have had my eyes opened to some of the various keywords that women throw up that say “Stay FAR Away” Terms like “independent” or going to school (or going back to school) which I always read as “Hello debt!” as well as her wanting to ride the alpha carousel again. Altho I must admit that I kinda miss the days of my naivete. It was kinda nice being ignorant about women.


    Good to see you around. And yes, it is somewhat entertaining as well as educational.

    I was thinking much the same. I was wondering why it is she was looking for a man and not a woman. She seems to act the butch lesbian, and as such I figure she would be happier looking for a woman to compliment her masculinity. No man who is sane would want to be with her for any length of time.

  8. 8 Brendan
    February 2, 2011 at 11:16 AM

    Probably closer to being a masculine/female (not feminine) hybrid — she has a lot of masculine aspects and probably is quite high T for a woman, but at the same time she likes stereotypically female TV shows and likes to gossip about them and so on. Sounds like the worst of all worlds for a guy — I agree she’d probably find a better match with a femme lesbian — a person who wants someone who is masculine but still a woman.

  9. 9 Do Not Want
    February 2, 2011 at 1:53 PM

    Dating this Ball-Buster is an exercise in masochism. I hope no one ever makes the mistake of trying to set up a relationship with this “thing” that has managed to post a profile to Okcupid.

  10. 10 Professor Hale
    February 3, 2011 at 1:17 PM

    It is also possible that she doesn’t know what she wants. Her responses may be just a collage of what she has heard she is supposed to want because of the self-worth she has assigned to herself.

    It is likely that someone who is completely incompatible with what she claims to want can sweep her off her feet and make her a happy woman.

  11. February 4, 2011 at 8:06 AM


    I think most women are self-deceived as to what they want. So if she could be swept off her feet by something completely different wouldn’t surprise me much.

  12. February 7, 2011 at 8:56 PM

    She should like she’s perfect for Marky Mark who obsesses over Jersey Shore. Except I bet she hates Jersey Shore.

    Um…come on. You should go out with her just for the hell of it.

    It’s only logical that she would want someone who has half a brain when it comes to grammar. There are many men who feel the same way.
    It’s should have, regardless, and “all intents and purposes.” Just ask my Dad. He’s been teasing me about grammar my whole life.

  13. February 8, 2011 at 5:44 AM

    Sooo. This is… real? And not just someone’s idea of a joke to see how many men they can get to respond to such a horrible profile?

  14. February 11, 2011 at 7:54 PM


    I will let you tell Marky Mark that. I don’t want to be responsible for his aneurysm.

    And yes Arielle, it is real. Well, I believe it to be real anyways. Can’t prove it of course. But yes, men will respond, perhaps less than might otherwise given a more normal profile full of vapid statements like “I’m living my life to the fullest” I can’t tell you how many times I see that statement. Its a pet peeve of mine because it means absolutely nothing but yet its everywhere.

  15. February 15, 2011 at 7:47 AM

    Okay, so, I can NOT hold it together a second longer.. AAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA!

    She does sound articulate tho 😉

    And she does know EXACTLY what she wants.

    I found her quite funny. I remember a time not to long ago when I was on a site called Lava Life. My dislikes were: worms & vomiting. My likes, if I recall correctly were: Sunshine, rainbows, children’s laughter and smiling 🙂

    I figured, if my bio didn’t frighten them off, they just might be a match for me! As it turned out, like you plainly see in type before you, most people you get matched up with have “issues”. Find someone with “matching baggage”, is how my husband likes to put it. None of us are perfect, just perfectly ourselves 🙂

    PS. All I got from online attempts, was VERY MANY attempts of trying to bed me. Sex with randoms isn’t my thing; but if it’s yours – YEEHAW & GIDDEY UP COWBOY!


  16. February 19, 2011 at 12:18 AM

    You’re right. Her profile is probably a thousand percent serious.

  17. February 23, 2011 at 1:26 AM

    Please do tell Marky Mark. We’ve gone a few rounds before. He put me down for loving Violent Femmes when he watched Jersey Shore???? Riiiight.

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