Nice Guys

Sometimes I am amazed that I can learn some things so quickly, and yet others take me forever to pick up. Teach me a new system at work and I have it right away. But there are some things that I haven’t fully learned despite some 15 years of pop quizzes. I still struggle with the whole Nice Guy mentality.

So a history of sorts… 7-8 grade there was this girl Brandy who was quite the looker. On top of that she was one of the good girls. Being the nice guy and having been told that you should be friends first, that is what I did. And we had a lot in common. I was trying to convert from friend to boyfriend when in walk my friend Johnny. Johnny was a female Alpha (read loser) who was truly a troublemaker and on the wrong side of the line dividing society and sociopaths. Well, guess who she went for? Same timeframe, another girl that I liked did the same thing, tho with a different guy.

Age 17, dated a wonderful girl whom I am still friends with today. She was constantly torn between me and two bad boys, one to a lesser extent. I think I lost out on that one due to the sin of being too nice.

Age 18-19. Marissa, good looking girl that I had known for several years. Always close to converting it but always being too respectful of her (possibly read fearful of rejection?) and never did. She would go from guy to guy, she would have me meet them to get my opinion on them. I would give my opinion on them and she promptly dated them anyways. A few weeks or months later she would come crying to me that I was right and she should have listened, which of course she never did. I stopped caring about converting when I came to the realization that anyone who would continuously go against sane advice to be with bad boys was not worth it.

Age 20-26 or so I lived at the church. Very large church where due to my service everyone of any import knew me, and thats saying something in a multi-thousand member church. But living out a life of service didn’t help me either. I was the nice guy and continually saw the girls go instead to the various jackasses and losers. In fairness, not all of them did so. Some of them chose wisely and I don’t begrudge that. There are men that I can look at and state objectively that they are better men than I and losing out to one is no big deal. May the best man win and all that. Now you might think that 6 straight years of observation would be enough to cure me of NiceGuyitis. You’d think. Me? Ha! I am a slow learner in such things. This lasted thru marriage but I am going to purposely avoid the marriage years here as thats a whole ‘nother rant!

Now the above is not unique to me by any stretch of the imagination. We are plagued with Nice Guys in our society, all of them (us) suffering from the same lack of ability to make and maintain a meaningful connection with a woman. How to get past being Mr Nice Guy and create and maintain meaningful relationships with women is what I am looking to explore. Game gives some of those answers as well as others that will lead to the inability to have a meaningful connection, specifically the constant using of women as PUAs do. As mentioned by Arielle, the Bible has plenty of examples to look to. It is also worth noting that most of those men were polygamous and since niceguyitis doesn’t work with a single woman it surely would not have worked with multiple!


8 Responses to “Nice Guys”

  1. October 29, 2009 at 1:05 PM

    Having always been the nice guy, I am forced to agree with you. The only girls who liked the nice guys were the ones who were also at the lower end of the social ladder. Even my wife today feels I cheated her because she”fell” for me at a time I was particularly rebellious. I had a motorcycle and a sports car and carried firearms. Then marriage came along and I got all responsible, selling the sportscar and motorcycle and changing career to permit me to be home more often.

  2. October 29, 2009 at 3:26 PM

    I think your musings are leading you in the right direction. One of the big problems I see with this nice guy scenario you’ve described is the whole concept of ‘friends first.’ There’s no good precedent for such a thing, and as you’d mentioned, there’s not really anything a man needs women for other than as a wife. I dare say some of the scenarios you mentioned would have turned out differently had you just let the girl know up front that you were interested in a relationship.

  3. October 29, 2009 at 5:42 PM

    Even my wife today feels I cheated her because she”fell” for me at a time I was particularly rebellious

    What is frustrating here is that you did the right thing, as so many men have done, and were rewarded for it with serious marital problems.

    I suggest you look for a good deal on a motorcycle this winter. The best buys on bikes are always during the winter. It’ll likely make her mad, but as one woman wrote (and I wish I could find) you really shouldn’t deny her that drama and you shouldn’t deny yourself that makeup that will come after it.

  4. October 29, 2009 at 8:06 PM

    I don’t think either one of us cares enough any more to build up to drama. Today I avoid motorcycles because I think I am too old, fat and slow to ride one and survive. Every nice day I see plenty of older fatter and slower men riding, but again it is that whole, “being responsible with our money” thing.

    My wife has a horse. She is not allowed to get mad about anything I buy.

  5. October 30, 2009 at 2:24 AM

    Y’know, it’s not really on-topic, but I’ve always hankered for a motorcycle and thought they looked like a lot of fun. I’d always thought of them in the context of riding solo, but now the idea of being able to tool around on one while hanging on to my husband seems really appealing! That’s the kind of couple time I’d like to have.

    Not going to happen for me, either, as my husband doesn’t share my interest in motorcycles and neither of us would be willing to put money towards one unless there was practical reason to do so.

  6. 6 SuperPickle
    November 2, 2009 at 3:20 PM

    No worries, Nice guys are WAY better when they are in their 40s. The young girls get sick of the “bad boys” and the old dude snags a hot young one. Your time is coming, I promise. 😉

  7. 7 bob
    January 22, 2010 at 2:35 PM

    I went through the same thing. I didn’t hitch up until I had gotten screwed over too many times and decided “F the chicks… I’m going to focus on other things.” My wife (aforementioned hitch-up) looks back on those days of carefree fun and laughs…. four kids now and we’re up to our necks in responsibilities with no other recourse.

    Hang in there…. you’ll get it!

    ps…. buy a motorcycle.

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